Thursday, December 4, 2008

Rambling About Anxiety

Well since Tuesday was such a great day I didn't know what Wednesday would bring. It was an ok day-Not as good as Tuesday but totally bearable. I just tried to catch up on things that I haven't been able to do. I did have some swelling in my feet and ankles again but it wasn't that major. I have been feeling a little down and I don't know why. I have nothing to feel down about. I started feeling sorry for myself for no reason. I think that just seeing how hard everything is on everyone now and with the holidays, you can't help but worry about the future.
I might go out with my mom later on but I still don't know. That is the problem with me-I never really can know until the last minute. Some of it is my fibro some is my anxiety. I suffer from anxiety/panic disorder and major depression which I have been treating since I was 19. I have been taking meds for those ever since. I also became an agoraphobic when I first started having panic attacks, for no reason. I could not leave the house, not even get close to the door. Looking back, I can't believe it although I still have a little agoraphobic in me. I feel comfortable and safe inside my own home. I still have panic attacks all of the time but you would never notice it. I have had many attacks in the middle of a conversation or in meetings, etc. but I know what it is and that nothing is going to happen and I just let it pass, no one even notices, unless they can see the thumping palpitations of my heart. I am thankful to a wonderful behavioral therapist named Cheryl for helping me through the agoraphobia and controlling my anxiety. She committed so much of her time to de-sensitizing me to every situation. Every day we would go one step forward. It took several days to desensitize myself into going inside the mall. The first day we drove to the mall (Southpark) and parked in the parking lot. The next day we went into Hecht's (now Macy's), the next day we walked through Hecht's to the entry to the mall, the next day we walked out from Hecht's into the mall, etc., my goal was to make it to the food court in the middle of the mall. We made it and she never pushed me. I would only go as far as I could. Once I had a wedding and a couple of days beforehand she took me to the restaurant where the rehearsal dinner was going to be held and they showed us where we would be sitting and where the restrooms and all exits were. Cheryl did this with a lot of new (post-agoraphobia) situations, it is like I had to re-learn. Churches and movie theaters are the worst for me. I still have problems with those. I can never thank Cheryl enough for being there for me always. She totally changed my life. As for my depression, I need meds for that due to a chemical imbalance. I tried weening off of my meds one time and it was a total disaster. I know I need my meds and I will have to take them for the rest of my life. If it weren't for my meds, I probably wouldn't be here today. Although I want to treat all of my other ailments with alternative treatments, I know I will always need my prescribed meds for my depression. People with FMS also suffer from anxiety and depression or as in my case, vice versa.
I did not mean to go all into that but I guess it helps to always express yourself and your feelings, under the right conditions, of course:)

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