FM Sort of Day

I have really tried to remain positive for almost a year regarding my fibromyalgia. I have refused to let it take over my life and control what I can and cannot do. As I have mentioned before in previous entries, my worst months for fibro flares have always been February, August and November. This year has been a strange one when it has come to the weather which usually plays a big role in my flare-ups. It is December 15th and I am having one of the worst days I can imagine. Actually the last several weeks have been miserable. Today though I am in such severe pain I just want to scream at the top of my lungs! I am having so much trouble typing this but I thought that I would "journal" today on here.

I wish I could describe it but I can't. Yes as usual, I feel like I have been hit by a train, but the weird sensations & pain in my arms, legs, shoulders, neck, etc. right now are so annoying that they are overpowering my every thought. I can't even watch the movie that is currently on. I can't even believe that I am able to even put a straight thought into what I am typing. Maybe I'm not. Maybe this makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe I'm just venting in my own way.

I really hate to complain & discuss my fibromyalgia with negativity because I know that all that does is bring me and the people around me down. I am trying so hard to fight it but right now the fibromyalgia is winning. I know it won't last forever. It comes and goes. The weather sucks! It's cold! We're supposed to be getting some kind of wintry mix tonight! UGH!!!!

I changed my blog so as not to concentrate on the fibromyalgia and try to make it a more positive escape. Today is not positive. That doesn't mean tomorrow will not be. I am still human and I will have my bad days. Yes I feel like complaining about it today because I am so frustrated.

The thing with FM is for instance, right now out of nowhere I get this sharp pain in my left knee that feelis like someone is stabbing it with a knife & twisting it around. It kind of just moves from one part of my body to the next.

I like to offer solutions and help and once again, positivity, but today is about me & my pain and I am going to whine about it! Althought I really don't think I can type much longer as I lay here on the sofa, miserably uncomfortable.

I think my rant is over. I know there is really no real content or valuable information in what I am typing but just knowing that I cannot always be perfect and happy and perky and yes, positive just makes me normal like everyone else.
I suffer for a reason. I sometimes pray that as I suffer in pain that I can take the pain of others away-if that makes any sense. It does to me. Even though I think like that I still am going to complain and say once in a while "It sucks to be me" even if it's just for a moment or an hour or a day, week, month or year. There are other people worse off than me and I should feel blessed and I do! Life really is great!

Feeling better now! :-)

Pain & The Holidays

Wow- It sure has been a while since I posted so here I am! Yay! Only thing is I am actually sharing something written by someone else. So much for my creativity :) I read this & wanted to share with my friends who suffer from chronic pain.
The following was written by Paul Gileno from the INvisible Project. In this he also quotes from Michele Gargan, Psyd.
Yep it's a long one. Hopefully I will be back on real soon with some good stuff for ya!

Here is Paul's message:

I think during the holiday time people who have pain and or illness actually have a very hard time. I feel this way for many reasons. One reason is I notice it in myself, I am in more pain, I get frustrated and I get depressed quicker. Holiday times become very busy and in turn we try and do more to stay "normal" at least I do: maybe bake some cookies, or travel to someones house, or spend more time on your feet, get less rest, we spend time worrying about others, and we put pressure on ourselves. Living in pain can be draining as it is and then you add some of these to our days and it is a recipe for disaster. The pain is ignored because we are with family or friends for that momemt and we don't want to loose that moment of joy, because that moment of joy is so powerful and uplifting yet at the same time when those moments are over we have higher pain and all the baggage pain brings. Truthfully we need to balance all of this but not only during the holidays but always. We can have those moments of joy all the time, the problem is for me still to this day is I find myself doing all or nothing. When I feel good, I do to much and when I feel bad I do nothing. It is true I preach to everyone to find a balance each day, I have posted and printed articles written by Doctors on how to find that balance. In all honesty I have tried and found some balance but not enough and during the holidays it seems to just disappear. I want everyone to know your not alone in this and do not be hard on yourself. We are all in this together and we understand all of this and together we can help one another through all of this. BELOW IS THE ARTICLE FROM DR. GARGAN. Hoping you have a low pain and high spirits holiday season. - Paul




Pain and Activity: Use It or Lose It

The human body is meant to move. Yet a person who experiences intense, persistent pain will probably move less and less over time. He or she is also likely to develop a number of “pain behaviors” such lying down for long periods, using unusual postures to brace against the pain, or favoring one side of the body over another when moving. After a while, these pain behaviors take on a life of their own and actually add to the pain.

Long periods of immobility disrupt the body’s pain sensing mechanisms because pain perception relies on feedback from normal muscle activity, particularly the larger muscle groups of the body. Avoidance of activity under stimulates the large sensory nerves and results in more pain when movement is resumed. The habitual use of unusual postures results in secondary pain in other areas of the body as certain muscle groups go into chronic spasm while other muscle groups atrophy from lack of use. So, rather than decreasing pain by avoiding certain patterns of movement, a person is actually increasing his or her pain as well as creating new pain.



A common pattern that I see in my pain patients is a burst of activity on a good day followed by several days of increased pain and immobility. As much as I preach consistently moderate activity, my patients habitually try to get everything done when they feel good. But when they do this, they get nothing at all done in the following two or three days. A prudent and effective pattern to follow is to do the approximately the same amount of physical activity each day. On “bad” pain days, you will have to push yourself, while on “good” days you will have to hold yourself back. If you do this, you will see that you get the same amount done as when you do a burst on Monday and nothing on Tuesday and Wednesday. If you do a little each day, you will get the same amount done without misery on Tuesday and Wednesday.

The following are some suggested techniques you can use to maximize your functioning:

Keep an activity log for a two-week period. Write down everything you do including quantity (how many dishes you washed) and how long you spent at it. You will probably be surprised at how much you do accomplish even though it feels to you as if you are doing little or nothing. Keeping this type of log will make you more aware of your patterns as well as help you set reasonable expectations. Challenge the artificial deadlines you set for yourself. What does it matter if the whole task is completed in one hour or one day, or in three hours or three days? How perfect does the work have to be? Learn to say, “That’s good enough.”
Breathe while you move. Be aware of using your breath to support physical exertion instead of holding your breath against pain. Also be aware of the amount of energy you are using to accomplish a task as well as the quality of your movement. Replace short, quick, intense movements with longer, slower, lighter movements. Elongate the muscles when dusting, scouring, or reaching, and slow down to allow a full range of motion.
Take frequent breaks. Every twenty minutes or so, change positions, change activity, or just rest. It may take you longer to do what you used to do in the blink of an eye. So what? It is important to learn to pace yourself.
Schedule a rest period in the middle of the morning and the middle of the afternoon. A half-hour is usually effective, but some people take an hour or longer. If you have to nap, go ahead. But many people find that just relaxing, listening to music, taking a bath, daydreaming, or meditating is effective in extending their ability to function throughout the day. Go back to your activity log and find the natural breaks where you can insert rest periods. If you think there is no time to rest, you are trying to accomplish too much.
Make conscious transitions between tasks. For example, if you are cooking dinner, take a few seconds to breathe and stretch between peeling the potatoes and molding the meat loaf. This allows you to release muscle tension and adjust your posture as well as tune into your physical effort in order to maintain a steady, easy pace.
Put some type of regular physical exercise into your life. Don’t deprive your whole body of exercise and fitness because part of you is in pain. Yoga is excellent for persons with pain because it increases flexibility and strength while focusing on breathing to support movement. Most yoga instructors will modify the poses to fit your needs. Walking and swimming are also good activities to keep the whole body healthy.
Explore new recreational activities. If you used to play soccer or go skydiving for fun, you have to find new pursuits. Music, painting, gardening, creative writing, and handicrafts do not offer the same physical thrills, but they are relaxing and rewarding. Make time for fun even if you have not completed all the chores that need to be done.
If you have a chronic pain condition, you have to accept that much of your life has changed permanently. This does not mean your life is over. It just means that you can’t do things the way you used to before the pain set in. If you set realistic goals, learn to pace yourself, maintain a moderate level of daily activity, and engage in pleasurable pursuits, you will be able to have a full life.



Michele Gargan, Psyd

Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

So here I am having another FM flare-up. Once again the weather is a contributing factor I'm sure.
This past weekend I went to a baby shower for Susanna (Jennifer's Stepdaughter) and had a very nice time. It was great to see everyone, including, Jennifer & Payton. I knew that this would wear on me because of the drive to Gastonia and just the fact of being somewhere for that long a period of time.
This whole week has been torturous for me and yesterday was the worst day of all. I literally could not move and got into one of my "why me" moments which I do experience every once in a while. Yes I try to think positive but sometime the pain does overpower that and you can't think of anything else. I actually cried myself to sleep last night. Yes even positive people have bad days too. I am human but I have decided not to let it stop me or take over my life.
I woke up today feeling pretty much the same. The old me would have stayed in bed all day, believe me I really wanted to do that today, but I had plans. My friends Brenda & Beth took me to lunch for my birthday and we had a great time. After that I even went and got my Pandora Teapot charm that I have been wanting for a long time with some money that my godmother sent me.
I refuse to let this thing win! Today is Payton's 3rd birthday and I can't believe how fast she is growing. We will be going out to Jennifer's tomorrow to celebrate. I will be there- no matter how bad I feel. I have to live my life and enjoy every minute of it. I know there will be times when I will have to cancel on someone, but I am going to try my best to pace myself, listen to my body, do what I can while I can. I do need to rest though, and I plan to do that starting Monday.
Once again- another confusing blog by "me"

New Attitude

So I said I might bring fibromyalgia back to the blog once in a while, well here it is. Yes I still have FM, yes I still have pain & fatigue and other symptoms but a lot has changed at the same time.
After not finding a medication that will work for me, just the occasional hydrocodone, which really doesn't relieve the FM pain just the other pains from arthritis, etc., I was partaking in many support groups both online and a local one here in Charlotte. I even started several groups myself, and my blog was solely about FM. I thought this is great to be able to share with other people who actually understand what I am going through and whom I can talk to. I thought this was very therapeutic until I noticed that my symptoms seemed to be getting progressively worse. I just blamed the FM as a progressive disease, which the doctors say is not. Well I decided to take a break from all of my FM groups and I stopped going to my local support group and something amazing happened--- I started feeling better! I have always believed that you take in the energy of what surrounds you, and if I am grouped with a bunch of people that are in constant misery, then I am going to feel it too, also being the somewhat empath that I am, I do feel what others feel. Oh I'm not cured, in fact I am in extreme pain right now as I type this, but yet I feel great! I know this can not make sense, but it does to me. I hate the pain, but I accept it and I have to live with it and I'm ok with that.
I haven't given up on my fibro friends who need my support, for them I will always be here, and I will always advocate for fibromyalgia awareness. I still drop in on my online groups about once a month to check in and say hi because I am still one of them-I just choose not to write about it everyday and about how life sucks and how I wish I would die-- No- I don't feel that way. Life is good! I am happy and fortunate to have what I have in this life and path that has been chosen for me.
The mind is amazing- creative visualization works- you have the power to control how you choose to feel.
BTW- I am also seeing a reflexologist who might have something to do with this change too but I think I need to take the credit for my mindset, because only I can control that.
Always smile, think positive, spread that positive energy to those around you- it is amazing what can happen.

Hectic Week

So I've had kind of a hectic week. 1st of all I am having a major FM flare and so my pain has been excruciating and I have had the usual fatigue as well. Stress also aggravates this. Amongst other things, one of my good friends from high school, Francis, had colon cancer surgery on Tuesday. They took 9 inches of his intestine. He is just waiting on the biopsy results from the lymph nodes which he should have tomorrow or Tuesday. I am praying really hard that everything comes back clean. He also seems to have found someone that makes him really happy, she also went to our high school and I am so happy for both of them. They really deserve happiness.
Anyway, on Wednesday, on of my BFFs, Rockin' Robin, had surgery on her tibia from a fracture that she got in an accident. They had to put a plate in her leg so that she could walk normal. She has to keep weight off of it for 8 weeks. Bless her heart- She is an awesome person with a huge heart of gold. The surgery turned out well. keeping her in my prayers too.
I have also had several things going on this week- I just feel crazy!!
My lack of motivation has really shown itself this week. I have been sending daily quotes to over 200 people every week-day for I don't know how long and this past week I didn't send them. I am using the excuse that it was a holiday week and nobody needed extra junk in their e-mail. I also haven't prepared the ones for this coming week. I don't know what to do.
I had some mailings to get out from the HOA to all the neighbors regarding speed limits, which I did manage to do. I am also supposed to be working on the neighborhood website but I haven't had a chance (or motivation) to do that either. I really need to get on the ball. Maybe if I organized my office some then maybe it would make it easier for me to work. I will try to work on that tomorrow- not procrastinating- it IS 10 pm ;-)
So many people have died this week, both famous and personal acquaintances which is really sad for me.
John took the week off to relax- I hope he was able to get some relaxation before returning to work tomorrow.
This is a boring entry I know, but oh well, I guess it is more for my benefit.
I hope my pain starts to diminish soon so that I can feel active again. Still sucks to be me but that is who I am and I accept it.

Sing Two Songs & Call Me in the Morning

I have a habit of singing for no reason. I sing whatever comes to mind: how I am feeling at a particular moment, what I am going to do about it, etc. As you can imagine, I sing a lot about pain and fatigue and why me, but I also sing about how I am not going to let it get to me and I am not going to be a victim, although a lot of times I really am feeling sorry for myself. I just make up a tune as I go along and I even try to rhyme words. John asks me "why do you always do that?" and I answer "I am just singing the blues."

Well apparently this may be good for me. I just read an article from the May 2008 issue of O Magazine called "Sing Two Songs and Call me in the Morning" by Sari Harrar. I thought I would share this article here:

Just after she was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer, Maria Logis was possesed by a quirky desire. "Every time I prayed, a voice inside urged me to sing," says Logis, a former human resources executive with Con Edison, New York City's electric company. "I had never sung before. It was baffling."

Encouraged by her sister, Logis went looking for a singing teacher but ended up with a music therapist. Instead of asking her to study scales and belt out show tunes, the therapist encouraged her to improvise---and give voice to her deepest feelings. "I sang about being afraid of the doctors and of treatment," she says. "Lyrics about the despair, sadness, and silence of my life poured out of me. Music made it possible for me to face my fear and anguish."

Until recently, most music therapists have worked exclusively with special groups---kids with disabilities, for example, or the elderly. Early research suggests the practice may ease depression and help control blood pressure. Now a tiny, but growing, group is offering vocal therapy to all adults.

"Nothing accesses the inner world of feelings, sensations, memories, and associations as directly as music does, " says Diane Austin, adjunct associate professor of music therapy at New York University and executive director of the Music Psychotherapy Center in New York. "The voice is like a bridge from your heart to your head. Singing freely releases what's locked up in your body." A pilot study published in the British Journal of Nursing found that singing therapy could greatly reduce the anxiety and depression patients can experience following a major surgery. The effect was strong enough that the authors suggested doctors prescribe therapy before trying antidepressants.

In a session, Austin might start with deep slow breathing and then suggest that you turn each exhalation into a wordless sound. Or that you improvise a melody while free-associating words. The exercises take surprising and revealing turns---playful, silly, angry. "Your voice doesn't lie," she says. "You can have all sorts of self-knowledge, but though deep breathing and using your voice, you can get closer to what's really going on for you."

Since most of us don't have a vocal therapist in the neighborhood, Austin offers the following exercises.

-Breathe out loud: Lie on your back on the floor. Relax, breathe deeply, and as you exhale make a sound. "Just let any sound out that wants to come out," she says. "Play. Be imaginitive like a child."

-Tone: While lying down, sing a long, sustained note on a vowel sound. Take a breath and continue, allowing the pitch to change as it wants. Keep it up for about ten minutes. "This is like meditation," Austin says. Recent research suggests she may be right. A two-year study of elderly people with dementia found that singing or playing instruments in a group once a week slowed the natural rise in blood pressure associated with aging.

As for Logis, her cancer went into remission right before she was scheduled for chemotherapy. But lifting her voice transformed other aspects of her life. A year after her diagnosis, she rented and upright piano and performed songs based on her experience for friends crammed into her apartment. Everyone wept and cheered she says.

It's a Beautiful Day

Watching U2 on Good Morning America and I have to agree it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the temps are going to reach the upper 70s this weekend, you can't help but feel great-at least mentally. Physically, not so good. I blame myself and I don't apologize for it.
I decided to go to the Southern Spring Show on Wednesday so that I could take pictures of the gardens and flowers. I also ended up buying some kind of Flapjack Cactus, a Desert Rose for me and one for my mom and a Eucalyptus. These are not things I would normally buy but felt possessed to and they were very inexpensive. I wanted to buy a weeping Pussy Willow but I can do that later. I decided to go by myself this time so that I could go at my own pace and leave when I had to. I lasted about 2 1/2 hours which is pretty good for me. I decided to skip the home improvement section of the show. I am very glad that I went and very proud of myself although I knew that I would be paying the consequences later and sure enough I did. I had to rest for the rest of the day and I was in extreme pain. It was still worth it- I need the normalcy.
Yesterday, although in extreme pain, I decided to prune the rose bushes, something which needed to be done and the weather was nice. I also re-potted the plants I bought, except for the Eucalyptus which I will plant outside soon. I was miserable but I kept pushing. I even cooked dinner- I figure I already feel this bad what could be worse. I could not move and last night I had to finally stop. I hate this about myself. I can't pace myself and stop when I know that I should. I want to to do more today although I am statue stiff and in torturing pain, but the beautiful day just keeps calling out to me. I am moving very slowly right now and maybe, I might do some little simple things even though I know I should rest today.

Nothing Works but That's OK

Well I hope the holidays were nice for everyone and that the new year is starting off with a bang :)

I personally have been having a rough time for the last couple of months but within the last month it has been especially bad. It was more a matter of frustration because know matter what I do or what meds I take, I still feel horrible, and that really gets old when it continues on a daily basis. I was to the point that I was feeling toxic from so many meds, I was just going out of my mind. John took me to the doctor to see if I could try some kind of detox and then start all my meds from scratch to see what is really working . Well my Dr thought it would be best to change one of my current medications first to see if that helped. btw- I don't know if I mentioned before that I stopped taking my tramadol because I felt no difference on it than off of it. Anyway, we all agreed that the Cymbalta was just not working for me. It didn't help with the pain and it was starting to turn me into a different person. He decided to put me back on 450mg of wellbutrin and 40 of celexa. I haven't taken celexa in several years but back then I was taking 120mgs.

Currently I am feeling pretty good. I really think that the cymbalta was bringing me down and along with the tramadol I was like a zombie. I think that it is out of my system but I don't feel that the celexa has completely kicked in, at least not the anti-anxiety part, which wellbutrin doesn't have. I don't feel depressed just very agitated and snippy and I feel bad for those around me while I am like this because I am just snapping at everyone for no reason. Hopefully this will pass. I have also been very emotional where everything makes me cry but its not because of anything sad and its not a bad thing or stemming from feeling down, I just start crying. Hopefully this too will pass.

As for my pain. I have decided that there aren't any meds that are really helping. I am just taking hydrocodone as needed, which doesn't really do much but it does alleviate some of the pain which I am thinking is the arthritis pain. I am still always in pain without any relief-ever.

I am going to try a TENS unit and see if that works to block the pain receptors so that my brain will not know that I am in pain. The problem is it can only be used in one place at a time on your body. By placing the the electrodes(or whatever they are called-fibrofog again) where your pain is causes it to change the signal to the brain to "no pain here" :) Anyway, I hope it works-stay tuned.....

Happy Holidays

I can't believe Christmas is 2 days away. Luckily I am feeling much better today than I have in a long time.

It has been a terrible last couple of weeks with excruciating pain and fatigue. I went to the doctor and he thought that I might have shingles but I never did develop a rash so I guess it is what it is-part of this mysterious illness that feeds off of me.

I just wanted to say how thankful I am for my wonderful parents who have been there for me always. They try to help me as much as they can. Although they are older, I feel terrible because they are taking care of me instead of me taking care of them. Fortunately my parents are very active and have quite a social life too :) I know that when the time comes and they need me to take care of them, no matter how I feel physically, I will be there for them.

I am also thankful for my wonderful friends, especially Brenda, Lisa, Beth & Robin (The Fab 5 we call ourselves) for they are the greatest in the world. Lisa came to visit last night and I was feeling a little down but she really cheered me up and I think it is because of her that I feel better today. It's like my whole attitude changed and it made me realize that friendship is the greatest gift of all and my friends always have enough friendship to offer me and I always have enough friendship to offer them.

Since I am feeling better, I am going to attempt to cook a traditional Cuban Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow evening for John and my parents. On Christmas day I believe we are going to go over to Jennifer's for Payton's 3rd Christmas.

If I don't return before then I hope that everyone has a wonderful Christmas.

Frustration

Here I am again feeling like crap and I have felt this way for the last few days. I can never figure out why because things happen in conjunction. For example, I lowered my tramadol thinking it wasn't doing anything then I start feeling bad again, but the weather is also rainy and messy and I feel like I have a bad flu. if it weren't for the weather I could say that maybe my tramadol was actually working for me but since the weather affects me, I can't tell which is the cause in this case. It is so frustrating trying to deduce and factor to figure out what works for me. I haven't been using the oil much but when I used it the other day I am pretty sure it helped. My problem is lack of motivation and forgetfulness. I just don't think about using it every day. You would think that with my pain and all that I would do anything but my fatigue makes me lazy and I just lay there putting it off until later. I make it here to the computer on my bathroom rounds. every time I get up to go, I drop in and try to catch up on some e-mail and go back to the sofa. I am so behind on all of my e-mails, I drop in on facebook and care2 as well but can't stay for long. I feel really out of touch. I guess I am.

Pain Scale - 15

I normally write in this blog at night but I woke up with such pain that I just wanted to document it. On a pain scale of 1-10 I have a 15! Seriously-it is bad. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who will give me massages without complaining. Although it hurts to be touched, the massages actually do help a little. I was so stiff this morning and I couldn't move and John was able to work some of that stiffness out so that I feel a little more mobile although the pain is still there. I'll eat something soon so that I can take my pain meds. I went to the doctor yesterday because my feet and ankles were really swollen. They have never gotten like that before so I thought that maybe it was my blood pressure but it was normal. He also did a chest x-ray to make sure that I didn't have any fluid in my lungs, which came back normal. I know that sometimes FMS can cause swelling but I have never had it like this. The doctor thinks it is one of my medications so he gave me something to take for a couple of days to reduce the swelling and that if it starts happening frequently he may consider changing one of my meds. I have tried a lot of natural things and alternative treatments but the haven't worked on me. I just feel like a walking pharmacy and I hate having to take so many meds but like I have said before, I am still trying to find the right combination for me. I have been taking B-12 and D3 which has helped me a lot. My B-12 was extremely deficient and it will still be a few months until I am at a normal level but at least it is increasing. That has helped some with my energy. The vitamin D I was taking in a higher prescription dose but now they have me at OTC D3 2000 IU /day. Vitamin D is good for everyone and a lot of us seem to be deficient these days but Vitamin D also helps people with pain from chronic illness, arthritis, etc. I do think that it has helped me.

Today I am just going to take it easy so that I can attend to my plans for tomorrow and Friday that I really don't want to miss out on.

Bad Flare Day

This has been quite a week. This latest flare has been pretty bad. Not really what I had in mind for the week. I really wanted to work some in the yard but that has been totally out of the question. The weather here now isn't helping either.

Had a dentist appointment today and then went to lunch with my friend Brenda who so patiently listened to me vent about this and that. She really is the best! Afterward I came home exhausted and in pain. There was a memorial mass for one of my high school friends Dan Sullivan which I decided not to go to. It really killed me but I just couldn't. Afterward some of my high school friends and I were going to go up to Brio, I am assuming they are probably still there-who knows. Dan died in September and I did go to a memorial service back then for him on the same day as our 25th class reunion. Today was really just a memorial mass given in his name. My dad was able to go to pay his respects to the family.

These are the hard decisions I have to make. To go or not to go. I do it all based on how I am feeling at the time, that is why sometimes I will not know until the last minute if I will be able to do something or not and that is why I don't like making plans ahead of time, although I am trying to make plans and stick to them because I do not want this to control my life. I want to lead as much of a normal life as possible. I am trying my hardest.

Anyway- I think more rain tomorrow. I have one appointment tomorrow and then I will take it from there. Maybe I will actually go run an errand or two. We'll see.

Bad Pain Day

Today is a bad pain day for me. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I guess that is the closest description that I can think of for what I am feeling right now along with the fatigue. There are so many symptoms associated with FMS. I have most of them. Not necessarily all at the same time-would'nt that be a day at the park. I suffer from all of the symptoms listed here plus some, although I really don't think that I have ADD, at least that I know of:) My "fibro fog" is gradually getting worse and I think it is the most noticeable to the people around me. I can't remember things and I completely go blank or lose my train of thought. It is so frustrating to forget such a simple word as "kitchen" and you have to describe it like "you know that room where you do the cooking?" This is all during a conversation and it happens way too often. This can really be embarrassing, especially around people you don't really know that well.

Today we had Jennifer and the family over for a cookout for Jennifer's birthday which was on Friday. It was a great day and so beautiful with the gorgeous color of the leaves and watching them as they fall and crunching on them as you walk. I just love this time of year. Anyway, I really had a nice time for I enjoy spending time with the family, I just wish I hadn't felt so bad today. I would have loved to be able to play with Payton maybe out in the leaves. I picked her up and I saw stars but as she hugged me tight I completely forgot about the pain even just for a few seconds, the joy that I feel with her is all worth it. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful family. That is so important.